i am really afraid i would like forget all those stuff. the year is coming to an end and i really dont want nov 2nd to come. not that i dont want the holidays or what. but. i dun want farewell to come, i dont want 2008 to come, i dont want obs, i dont want sec3 life(and what follows afterthat), i dont want! but it still has to come and go. everything must come and go. BUT WHY SO? so many things have happened but still everything must leave you. like how carefree we all were when we were like so young. how wonderful that was. and we all wanted to grow up(i guess so) but now i really really want to go back to those days. i really wish none of all these happened. not that i dont wish that i will come to rg, have fun in rg with wonderful friends and snrs etc, but still. i dunno why but there's this erm nostalgia in me? maybe it's the wrong word to use but i dunno. the last thing i rmb was that i was still this innocent(yes i was and very guai too) p6 taking the psle and i took it really seriously okay(at least i think so. not as lazy as i am now.) then when i got my results, it was a really happy thing(:


and then sec1. it passed really fast. how i used to dislike pracs(heh. shhhhhh!) and then started to have a liking for pracs, enjoyed them even and everything!


then sec2. how we went thru syf. the tears and everything. concert, how i changed my impression of her(: and like how i screwed up my every term. the start wasnt this bad. but then it got worse and worse. and now my horrible horrible results. maybe i ought to be contented but everything's just so wasted. i could have put in so much more effort then i can easily achieve what i want. i know that now i am not a goldfish in a tank of guppies(not that i ever was. but according to my dad it was what mrs tan used to describe all of us) but a goldfish inside a tank of koi fishes(i came up with this myself). i can hardly breathe anymore. i dont want to degrade myself anymore. ok degrade is a really bad word. but. i really cant stand it. it's not that bad, i know it's not that bad. BUT I REALLY DONT WANT THIS YR TO END. it's like really memorable(: it's the one year that will always be etched in my mind. the many pointless quarrels, lame convos, tears, happiness, everything! no matter sweet or sour, bitter or spicy, i will rmb them. always. as long as i can still rmb stuff(:


the year to come is a tough one. seriously tough. the first obstacle: obs. i am really not that kinda person. maybe my history of heart murmur and er spraining of my foot will help? but i dont wanna miss that kinda fun(?) haha. the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and the many more to come, i will not mention for i will bore whoever reads this. haha. i am really scared. really afraid. what if i cant cope? what if i die(not literally of course)? what if what if i do really badly? I DONT WANT TO FACE ALL OF THAT. i wldnt be able to take it. :/ i do ask myself if i had made a wrong choice back then, to put rg in my first choice and to come to rg(not that i regretted it). i knew it was going to be tough. but not this tough that i get afraid i wont be able to cope. i wasnt a slacker but now i am. i got to change myself, not for anyone but myself. will i be able to? i am afraid i wont be. it is never that easy to do this kinda thing.


since this yr has alr passed so fast(not that it's over), next yr will too and i will expect myself to be sobbing away everytime the stress comes. then there will be 2009. i dont think i will ever be able to make it. not ever. i know that's my weakness: this lack of confidence(i can be ego too u know!) but it's hard to put on this false front, this mask to hide everything. i wont be able to do so. and i know that. and i never bothered to try. maybe i should. maybe it might help everything. maybe i can like just soar to the skies and remain there, climb up the ladder and still continue climbing, improve till there's nothing else to improve. BUT IT'S SO UNREALISTIC. i cant even believe myself. why wld it even come true.


so what if i made it to rg? so what if i manage to pass every test? so what?! in the end, it's still so freaking low, that i cant even stand myself. so what if life can really stop and 2008 will nvr come? it will nvr be possible. so what? i cant even believe that i can do it. i cant even trust myself to do anything right. i dont even have confidence in myself. i dont even think i can do it. so what? i ought to change this mindset. i ought to change my attitude. i ought to change my way of doing work. i ought to change myself. it will not be easy. no one said it would. i will only have to depend on myself. do what i think is right. persevere. dont give up. and do everything to the best of my ability. only then will i have no regrets (: it wont be easy. and i wont give up.(hopefully)




i just realised that this post is really long. heh. but i needed this to sort out my thinking. so sorry! i really admire those who lasted till here(:





it's not easy. but i will try. and this time. really try. to regain what i lost and to rmb what i have forgotten. to survive(: